As a coach, the essence of cultivating trust and safety with a client is being able to turn up fully and authentically to every coaching conversation – this means being vulnerable, compassionate, self-aware and able to remain aligned to the client, the client's agenda, and the coaching conversation while also being aligned to who you are as a coach, authentically whole no matter what is going on. This takes courage.
Henry Ford famously said he wished that the ‘whole’ person wouldn’t show up at work – he just wanted their hands, not all the other stuff that went with people. These days we have robotics and machines which don’t have ‘all the other stuff’.
But coaching with a real person, a whole person, an authentic person... That kind of synergy and combined energy is what creates the magic in coaching! If you are locking “bits of you” outside the conversation because you judge them you may be missing out on a deeper richness that could happen in your conversations with clients.
Now, this is not to say you go about bringing all your ‘stuff’ into a session – no way – we all know that, right? What we are talking about is honestly knowing how you feel in all moments throughout a coaching conversation or interaction. It’s about knowing what is ‘yours’ and what is your client’s – and not letting the two get mixed up, rather allowing your stuff to sit there, quietly, without impacting the session in any way. Simply being present with what is. What is within you and what is within your client? Sometimes what is within your client can be triggering for you. This is where the mastery comes in. Courage to be present with the discomfort, authentically remaining with the feelings and choosing to simply acknowledge what is going on without judging or avoiding.
The point is this – when a person judges something about themselves and represses it, squeezing themselves into what they deem to be an acceptable shape, they aren’t really being authentic – and if you do that, a client will sense that. And when your client does that, you will sense that as the coach. It will be one of those things you can’t really put your finger on, but there is a vague sense of something not quite..... jelling.
As a coach you want your clients to have the best results possible – you want to build rapport quickly and deeply, creating a space that is open and safe, and you want to be fully deeply present. If you’re busy holding your ‘stuff’ at bay and squashing yourself into your idea of an acceptable shape, it is counterintuitive to being authentic. True authenticity requires vulnerability and courage.
What will you do now with this understanding?
Here's a handy short practice.
Make an appointment with yourself every day. Just ten minutes where you shut the door, put electronics to sleep for that time, and just breathe and be present. Slowly breathe in, and slowly breathe out. Notice the stillness in the pause at the top of the breath and again at the bottom of the breath. Just breathe and notice. As you practice this, commit to staying with anything that comes up. At first, you may find yourself wanting to think and plan. Let go the thinking, and come back to the breath. The thinking is the first clue that something wants to come to your attention. Just breathe and allow the feelings to emerge. If the thoughts come up, imagine putting them on a leaf on a stream and letting them float away. The feelings are more subtle. Give them time. It may take many days, or it may not - but they will emerge if you allow them to. Make sure you welcome them - all of them - none are 'better' or 'worse'. Some are more comfortable, however, don't avoid the difficult or unpleasant ones. Simply be present with it all. Allow yourself to feel as you feel without judging it. It feels vulnerable. It takes courage. But this expands your window of tolerance and supports you to be a better listener, coach, or practitioner of any sort. You are conditioning yourself to be present with whatever presents, to hold a space of non-judgement and compassion.
So make that appointment and start practicing.
I would love to hear from you how you are going with it. Do feel free to connect with me on Facebook or via email at belinda@globalcoach.com.au
